Cathy's thoughts

Green eyed monster

Is it natural to get extremely jealous of one person? I trust Sean more than anyone and I know he’d never do anything to hurt me. I know this. Yet I see him talking to one specific girl and I feel this physical pang of jealousy in my chest. I don’t like it and I have no idea how to stop it. I’ll never tell him what he can and can’t do or who he can and can’t talk to. I don’t know if I should even tell him that I’m jealous of her. I know I have nothing to worry about. Seriously, I’m way prettier… But idk.. she’s thinner… and more interesting.. and he has slept with her in the past. It’s all because that lying asshole and his stupid bitch planted the seed in my head when Sean and I first started dating. He said that Sean was cheating on me with her and I haven’t liked her since. I confronted Sean of course and I know he didn’t, but he did admit that he did sleep with her in the past. God fucking damn it mind stop doing this to me!!!

Shame. I has it.

I love My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I really really do. I’m not sure why, but I love it. The glam, glitz, the drama! The horrible, slutty, over the top, extravagance! I hate everything about it and I love watching it. Yup. I wonder if this is the appeal of Jersey Shore? …………….. I can’t wait for next week.

Emotions suck.

I had a bad day yesterday. Sean and I argue a lot, but it’s not like it’s a bad arguing. We do it for fun and because we’re so damn smart it’s fun to run each others opinions and intellect around. We haven’t seriously had a fight yet. I’m terrified of when we do because we are both the type of person to shut down and become this calculating thing who is only trying to figure out the best way to hurt the other person. It’s one of the scary similarities we have. Anyway, they set up for teen arts this week at sccc and of course we both got to talking about the different art we had seen. I started talking about photography. Now, I love photography. It is my biggest passion next to music. So we started arguing about digital vs manual photography and then we got into what art is. Sean tends to talk me in circles, but I’m used to it and I’m able to hold my own most of the time. The problem is, I love art and have emotions tied into my logic. Apparently, this and Sean talking in circles combined does not end well for my mind. My thoughts started racing and I couldn’t focus on anything but trying to remain calm and Sean kept pushing not knowing what was going on in my head, just thinking he’s winning again like he so often does until he notices I’m walking faster and I’m getting noticeably agitated. I then told him to stop talking me in circles.. And this is where I start to try to run and he thinks he’s really upset me because I have a pretty literal fight or flight response. We get to my car and I don’t know what to say or do so I just sit there and try to focus on ANY cohesive train of thought but it’s not working and I’m just sitting there with my mind going a thousand miles a minute and I’m not used to it anymore because I’m getting so much better with my ADD and Bipolar and then I realize I look mad, but I don’t know what to say and I want him to say something, ANYTHING and then I start feeling the tears well up so I look as far away from him as possible because i don’t want him to see me cry and then he says in this real cold voice that “If I have something to say I should say it and not just let him stand there thinking about everything” and I REALLY don’t know what to say then and I’m trying to think straight but it’s so hard to control your thoughts and not do something you’re thinking about not doing… So I cry again and I think he realized I’m not mad and touches my arm he says “come one”…. And I turn on the music in his car and can finally focus on something…

So here I am, still fragile from yesterday. I wonder if the women in old books had bipolar or anxiety attacks… the ones who were said to have sensitive nerves. I feel like my nerves are shattered, like I may cry or scream at the drop of a hat. God I hate these days…

BRILLIANT!

I just had a really great photo idea and I need to write it down! I want to do a Claddagh shoot! Only with my and Sean’s hands holding the heart. Just the hands and also our faces. Maybe looking into each others eyes lovingly, or kissing, or laughing.. I want the claddagh incorporated. I need to crochet a crown ASAP! ^.^ OMG I’M EXCITED!!

Okay so there go all my plans.. Mom and I are going to go look for more houses. Just driving by them to see where they are. I did have a healthy breakfast though so… that’s good I guess. I’ll do productive things when I get home. Yeah.

Productivity or Death.

I have things that I could be doing. I have crochet projects and homework and a few essays to get into william patterson and I have practicing to do. Yet, here I am on the internet. I wasted my entire day today sitting on my ass in front of my computer. Tomorrow I am not going to let myself do what I did today. Tomorrow I’m going to start my day off with a workout and then eat healthy breakfast. I’m going to practice for my audition and start those essays. AND I’m going to work on my anniversary present to Sean. I’M GOING TO BE PRODUCTIVE IF IT KILLS ME!

I’ve finally done it

I have offically run out of room on my iPod. 8GB. It’s taken me about four years to do it, but it’s happened. Now then, I’m going to go delete a whole bunch of music that I don’t listen to in order to make room for Emilie Autumn’s Laced/Unlaced. =)

Played the lottery, and I’m not a multi-millionaire. -sigh- Oh well. Maybe next time.
I really don’t like having to write my own letters of recommendation. For Professor Chmyr I totally understand because he is so very busy and he doesn’t have the best writing abilities in English. I don’t think the people at William Patterson would be too happy with a letter written in Ukrainian. My other professor is a triple alumni from WP so I really would like his name on one of my letters, but he wants me to write it and then he’ll go over it and sign it. I really love my professors, but it is really unfair that I need to write these letters. How am I supposed to write so much about myself? The whole point is for these people to tell their opinions of my character. I don’t know what they would say about me. Frustrated, I am.

I’ve been doing therapy for about a year now and it really has helped me live a mentally healthier and happier life. What I focus on in therapy is being mindful. Mindfulness is a wonderful thing that really helps you examine your way of thinking and then change it. You need to be aware of everything that goes through your mind all day. Using mindfulness, one stops focusing on negativity and it also helps stabilize your emotions. I still have mood swings. I’m still bipolar. I’m just now less self-destructive. You see, when I have a mood swing, it doesn’t take over my life and way of thinking anymore. I’m aware that I’m angry or sad for no reason and so, I let myself be angry or sad or whatever my mood is and I move past it because in my mind I know that I’m having a mood swing and it will pass. It doesn’t need to define me. Then I examine ideas and thoughts I’m having. Say if I’m sad for no reason. I’m thinking of not going to class. I realize that I just had this negative thought and I look at it and think, “I’m really sad right now, so this is not a thought that I should take seriously. If I wasn’t having this down, I wouldn’t be thinking this.” And then the thought passes. Another trick I’ve learned is to throw away bad thoughts. Say I think I’m going to fail a test. First, I need to be mindful and realize that this thought has no purpose and it will just hurt me. I take that negative thought and I visualize it as a pebble in my upturned palm. Then, I just let it drop out of my hand and into a pond of some sort. I picture watching the ripples and I calm down.

This may sound really stupid to some people, but this really has helped me. Give it a try some time and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.